Haiku Winners: Together

Haiku. Haiku is what bwings us togeddah, today.

Times are tough. But I'm hoping I can play a part (See what I did there? A part? Oh, never mind.) in making things a teensy bit easier for three people, and for three charities.

And thus, I shall cease my blabbering and announce the winners of my togetherness haiku contest.

Put your hands together (See what I did there?) for this year's award winners:

Not Quite Honorable Mention

My wife Denise's haiku is easily the finest pandering ever done in one of my contests. Unfortunately, she majored in English, not math. Eighteen syllables a haiku does not make.

You are my husband
He is our curly headed boy
We are together

Honorable Mentions

Rawknrobin perfectly encapsulates the mood of the working-from-home masses (even if my company uses Skype, and I'm in the pants-wearing minority).

We aren't wearing pants
Let us zoom together now
Solidarity!

Joelle highlights cats' love for cornering us when we're at our most vulnerable (even if we sometimes secretly enjoy the company).

Social distancing?
For humans, not for kitties.
Never poop alone.

And then there's my sister Naomi, whose haiku I laughed out loud at (even if I knew long before the contest started she wasn't going to win).

Why do I see you
Whenever I turn around?
Oh, right! Conjoined twins.

First Prize: Traditional

Yeah, I might be biased against Naomi, but not her 9-year-old son Solomon. He wins the prize for traditional haiku, and he has chosen Habitat for Humanity as his charity. I will be giving them a donation of $100.

A tiny atom.
Has very very small quarks.
All stuck together.

First Prize: Humorous/Creative

Jess Sokol used one of her superpowers (i.e. cats) to take the award for humorous haiku. Her chosen charity is Protectors of Animals, who will also be receiving a $100 donation.

Too many cats near
Eyeing my keyboard and cords
The mouse is afraid

First Prize: Judge's Choice

And finally, my pick for the third prize is one that embodies family and the joys of childhood, courtesy of Joe.

Grab that big blanket.
Everyone, quick, get under.
Now tickle someone!

Joe, please send me an email and let me know to which charity I should donate. I'll be making the donations (and sending out the gift cards) in the next few days.

Congratulations to all the winners and mentions! And thank you to everyone who submitted haiku (you can read all the entries here) or shared the contest with others. I hope I was able to bring you some much-needed levity (and/or spending money) in these trying times.

So, farewell my friends,
Until we meet up again.
(With or without pants.)

Together: A Haiku Contest for Charity

*** The contest has ended. Check out the winners! ***

We, as a people, are too divided. We were already split along economical, ideological, and political lines (among others), and then the Virus That Shall Not Be Named came along and split us apart physically.

Enough is enough. Let's write some haiku about togetherness.

You may think a haiku contest won't accomplish much. And you'd be right. But at least this one will result in $300 for charity. It isn't much, but it's a start.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5), and write a poem inspired by the word "together." However you interpret the theme is up to you.

I will select the best haiku in the following three categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)
• Judge's Choice

As in past years,* each winner will receive a $25 gift card. But then I will also donate $100 each to charities of their choosing.

The deadline to submit haiku is Thursday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Submit some haiku.
For you, or for charity.
Or for all of us.

Official "Rules":

1. To enter, post haiku inspired by the word "together" in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, up to a maximum of five (5) entries. If you submit more than five, it will smack of selfishness in a time of need. It's not a good look for you. And you will not win.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. These rules are in place to keep the poetic form safe. If you ignore them, I'll wash my hands of you, and your entry won't win.
3. The contest is open until Thursday, May 7, 2020 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you arrive late, the contest will already be at capacity, and you'll be left out in the cold. No prize for you.
4. If your entry is not in English, you must also provide its English translation. If I don't know what you're saying, it'll feel like you're keeping me at a distance. (Note: Translations don't need to adhere to the 17-syllable structure.)
5. Anonymous entries will not win. You can't foster a feeling of togetherness if all you do is keep secrets.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of three (3) categories: Humorous/Creative, Traditional, and Judge's Choice, which is basically a catch-all category because I couldn't think of a proper third one.
   
   • Each first place winner will each receive a $25 gift card, and I will donate $100 to a charity of their choice.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive mention. Also honor.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances, unless I decide I was just being sarcastic the first time around.

* For reference, previous themes were: ninja, pirates, robots, space, the ocean, heroes & villains, science, the wild west, and magic.

75

Today would have been my mom's 75th birthday.

For those who don't know, my mother passed away Thanksgiving morning, after a far-too-short battle with leukemia.

I won't recap her life story here, since my sister already did a phenomenal job of that in her obituary. Instead, I want to give you a taste of who she was.

Anita "Liar Woman" Wilson (I'll get to the nickname later) was one of the most selfless people I've ever known. She and my dad took in 5 foster children (adopting 1), and raised 13 puppies to be seeing-eye dogs (adopting 3 who didn't make the cut). She volunteered for countless organizations, not just offering her time, but often acting as treasurer, president, or some officer in between. She donated to all manner of charities. She gave blood till they wouldn't accept it anymore.

With us, she was even more generous. Many parents chauffeur their kids around, but she was my driver early every Sunday morning for 5 years as I delivered newspapers. She asked nothing in return. I know I didn't thank her nearly enough. I was a teenager.

After my son was born, my mom watched him two days a week for us, instilling in him her love of reading as she'd done for me decades before. And she almost never said no to a babysitting gig for her grandkids, even if it inconvenienced her. We tried not to take advantage of this fact. We mostly succeeded.

You know, I can't recall my mom ever saying something mean or vindictive about another person. (Well, perhaps about one specific politician... but never another person.) And she never swore, at least not in the presence of her children. Only once in my life did I hear her use even mild profanity, and that was right near the end, when I asked how she felt that day.

Of course, she wasn't a saint. (For one thing, she was Jewish.) Obituaries may be glowing on all accounts, but this is not an obituary. My mom had her faults.

For instance, she was terrible and being a Jewish grandmother. Don't get me wrong—she was a fantastic grandmother. We'd leave my son with her for the afternoon, and they'd play games and read dozens of books, possibly dozens of times. But would she try to feed him, even once? Nope.

On the topic of food, to this day I have a strange affinity for slightly overcooked vegetables. Especially broccoli. Thanks, mom.

And then there's all the stuff. You see, my mother was an amateur hoarder. Not a professional hoarder like you see on TV, but enough to lead to piles of newspapers and magazines and dangerous stacks of books atop bookcases. (She planned to read those later, but was always too busy volunteering.) Thanks to her charitable donations, she was inundated with free calendars, greeting cards, and mailing labels... none of which she threw away. Sure, her tendencies meant she kept our stories and drawings going all the way back to kindergarten, but it also meant she kept our clothes and our toys and our games. Oh, and one drawer in her jewelry box? Completely filled with baby teeth.

Okay, now you have a sense of my mother, the good and the bad. All that's left is the nickname.

I can't think of any lies she truly told, apart from that nonsense about the tooth fairy. But in the early 1990s, our family took a trip to Israel. In Old Jerusalem, my mom took some photographs of the Dome of the Rock, and a man nearby (who had previously tried to get us to pay him for a tour) began yelling not to take pictures of the Muslim women. She said she wasn't. He swore she was. They argued for a short while, eventually escalating to him proclaiming at the top of his lungs, "You are a liar woman! LIAR WOMAN!" Needless to say, we didn't stick around after that. (But of course, the nickname did.)

The last words I heard that liar woman speak were to my son, as we left the hospital near the end. I'll close with them, since they're also fitting for how I feel about you, dear readers:

"I love you, too."

It's My 10th Annual Jew & A!

For my 10th Jew & A, I’m doing things a little differently.

Instead of asking you for new questions about Judaism, I’m going to answer all the ones I’ve ignored over the past decade.

You see, every year I’ve provided examples of questions to ask. There are now 25 of them — one for every letter in the Hebrew alphabet. (That’s right: We’ve kept three letters secret from you gentiles for millennia. Mwa ha hah!*)

* Those are the 3 letters.

Here are the 25 questions, listed in the order they were asked, with my quick-fire (yet absurdly informative) answers:

1. Why did God choose to talk to Moses from inside a flaming shrubbery?
   

   Well, it was a nice-looking shrubbery, and not too expensive. Plus, as I have mentioned previously, we’re all pretty much pyromaniacs. It was an inspired choice on His part.
   
   (Pay no attention to the god behind the curtain.)
   
   

2. Why is challah braided while French bread isn't?
   

   Reply hazy. Try again later.
   
   

3. Why can’t Orthodox Jews listen to Black Sabbath on the Sabbath?
   

   Per the torah, we’re only allowed one Sabbath each week. The less devout among us can substitute the Black version without any repercussions, but the spiritual toll of a second Sabbath for the Orthodox becomes exponential: 4x the atonement, 4x the guilt, 4x the fasting... That’s why they stick with Black Sabbath cover bands.
   
   

4. Why are the Hebrews so obsessed with bagels and lox?
   

   What, you didn’t think Jews were among the multitude Jesus fed?
   
   Bagels and lox: The loaves and fishes of the Jewish set.
   
   

5. Why are Jews so good with money, but so bad at sports?
   

   Um, we’re good with money because we’re bad at sports. We can’t get paid millions to play games for a living, so we need to make the most of what little money we do get. And that’s what we do. We make it into the most money.
   
   All our years playing in travel finance leagues don’t hurt, either.
   
   

6. Why do the practices of Orthodox Jews seem so unorthodox?
   

   Because you’re an unimaginative git who can’t perceive what it’s like to have different beliefs. If you walked a mile in their shoes, you wouldn’t think that anymore.*
   
   * Instead you’d think, “There's no way I'm walking all the way back. Better call an Uber.” You lazy git.
   
   

7. Why do Jews repeatedly insist you have a nagila?
   

   Because they are so. Friggin’. Good. Honestly, they’re like heaven in your mouth, which is saying something since we Jews don’t believe in heaven. But these are so amazing they make us believe. You have no idea what you’re missing. (And you probably never will, either; we snatch them up like Walmart shoppers on Black Friday.)
   
   

8. Why is Hanukkah sometimes so early (or late)?
   

   The Spanish Inquisition.
   
   You see, usually nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. And that has led to grave consequences. But by varying when Hanukkah occurs every year, we Jews are prepared for anything at anytime. We are so ready for Hanukkah 2020!*
   
   * It began in July 2017.
   
   

9. Why do so many Jews’ names end in “berg” or “stein”?
   

   The ‘Steins traditionally were the beer- and winemakers, the ones who kept people’s mugs filled. The ‘Bergs provided the ice.*
   
   * That is, diamonds.
   
   

10. What were Moses' thoughts on gay marriage?
    

    Moses was all for gay marriage. Who doesn't like a happy marriage? Besides, anything that kept people from committing adultery or coveting their neighbor’s wife was fine by him.
    
    

11. Where can I find a good local deli?
    

    Online. After all, online’s only a few inches away, which is the localest you get.
    
    

12. Where are the Jewish unfaithful most likely to hide their stash of bacon?
    

    In their bellies.
    
    

13. Does Moses' deep-seeded aversion to water stem from his early basket trip down the Nile?
    

    No, Moses was too young to remember his wild Nile adventure. The real reason he ensured not a single drop of Red Sea touched him and his followers was because he had a pet mogwai.
    
    

14. Oy, will my daughter ever meet a nice Jewish boy and settle down?
    

    Get with the times, old man. No one feels settled in this day and age, with every headline a new source of fear and frustration. And there’s no reason the boy needs to be Jewish. Or a boy. Or even nice. As long as they don’t make their mother worry, they’re a keeper.
    
    

15. How do you identify if someone’s Jewish just by looking?
    

    I’ve previously mentioned the horns and other visible clues, and for you poor goyim that’s as good as you’re going to get. To really know at a glance who is and isn’t Jewish, you’ll need to convert to Judaism. Only then will you be able to see the ethereal glow that emanates from each of God’s Chosen People. It’s kind of like a secret handshake.*
    
    * Handshake not included.
    
    

16. Which styles of yarmulke are in this holiday season?
    

    I actually answered this question back in 2015, but as always, styles have changed. Kids are now begging for square Minecraft-style yarmulkes, while the most discerning adults favor the Emperor’s New Kippah.*
    
    * Sure, it may look like their heads are bare, but well, maybe you shouldn’t say anything about it.
    
    

17. Does the Red Sea naturally part on the right or the left?
    

    It doesn’t part naturally at all. Have you seen the disorder of its many waves and curls? To get a comb through that mess, you’d need a miracle worker.
    
    

18. What were the Jews really doing in that desert for 40 years?
    

    As rabid fans of Moses & the Israelites (known for such hits as “The Ten Commandments”, “Let My People Go”, and “Don't Eat That Pig!”), they just had to follow their messiah on his decades-long desert tour.
    
    

19. How do I tell the difference between a regular Jewish American girl and a Princess?
    

    The only difference between the two is the princess’s entitlement. And I mean that literally. For instance, if she is introduced as “Leah Steinbergenstein,” she’s a girl. But if she’s introduced as “Leah Steinbergenstein, Princess,” well, you can figure out the rest.
    
    

20. How can you tell sufganiyot and Sufjan Stevens apart?
    

    One is a cheesy yet delectable treat, a perfect complement for the holiday season... and the other is sufganiyot.
    
    

21. How do I confirm the authenticity of my King James Torah?
    

    Check the front for the “Official Autographed Copy” sticker. Duh.
    
    

22. What does Trump’s embassy decision mean for “next year in Jerusalem”?
    

    The main impact of the president’s decision is some Palestinians will treat Americans even worse, so it'd be best not to act American while there. Thus, the correct phrase is now: “Next year in Jerusalem, eh?”
    
    

23. Does my dislike for Yosemite Sam mean I really hate all Semites?
    

    What kind of idiotic logic is that? It would mean my dislike for Elmo, Dolores Umbridge, and Donald Trump translates to hate for all elms, bridges, and rum, which is just stupid. I don’t hate rum.
    
    In other words... there’s a 66.7% chance you do, yes.
    
    

24. Is “apple jews” or “apple seder” is the more delicious(ly horrible) pun?
    

    “Apple seder” at least has some merit; the first one is such a lazy, deplorable attempt at punnery I can’t even bring myself to repeat it here. In fact, I decree that whoever came up with it be fried in leftover latke oil. And this punishment must be carried out in full, because I’m the boss, Applesauce.*
    
    * Yes, I ended my verdict with a Judge Judy-ism. Get it? Judy-ism? Ok, ok, I’m getting in the oil.
    
    

25. Something has been nagging me for weeks, and I’m beginning to wonder: Is it actually a Jew?
    

    Blast! Yes, it was me all along. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if not for you damn kids and your dog. Now go tell your friends and family you love them, like I’ve been telling you to do for weeks.
    
    

No, that’s not a joke. Tell your loved ones how you feel. And have a wonderful New Year’s.

Putting the Ha! back in Hanukkah!

Welcome to the answer portion of this year's Jew & A! The only questions came from my sister and nephew, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to delay my answers for a week. And I was right: It didn't hurt at all.

However, to make up for the delay — and that (feeble attempt at a) joke — I'll also answer a third question about Judaism. It's almost the least I can do.

My sister Naomi asks:
How can I tell if someone is Jewish? E.g. Is there a special tattoo or handshake or something?

I've previously talked about the horns, but it's hard to justify looking closely at everyone's scalp unless you're a barber or a school nurse during lice season.* So let's talk about other outwardly visual signs. There are three.

1. The things we carry
   Jews, as everyone knows, are insanely rich. Problem is, we prefer not to be garish about it, so you can't judge based on clothes or jewelry. No, what you want to do is watch people when they're buying things. Specifically, look at their credit card. Our gold cards are made of actual gold. Our platinum cards, platinum. Our francium cards, francium.
   
   That's right, francium. The element with a half-life of 22 minutes. We keep world-class scientists on retainer just to make us one-use credit cards.
   
   So get yourself a francium detector. And follow the money.
    
2. Guilt by association
   Another option is to look for people who have an air of guilt about them. Now, I don't mean shifty-eyed or suspicious-looking. You're seeking successful individuals whose physical expression and demeanor convey they know that they don't visit/call/spoil their mother enough.
   
   You might think this describes non-Jews as well, but over time you'll be able to tell the difference. If they show even an ounce of bravado? Not a Jew.
    
3. Take me to your leader
   You can also pick Jews out by their behavior. For instance, look for people speaking in front of a group. Specifically, leading a congregation in a religious service inside a synagogue. Find that, and you've found yourself a Jew!

* Not an actual season. The actual seasons are spring, duck, wabbit, and Christmas.

My nephew Solomon asks:
Why does one light the menorah?

It is said one is the loneliest number. Well, the reason it's so lonely is because one is also the greediest, most selfish number. If there's something fun to do, one's not about to let any other number do it. He has to be the first and the best at everything.

In this case, since fire is involved, there's no way anyone else gets near the menorah. One always make sure to grab the match, or the lighter, or the traditional Hanukkah arc welder, and brandishes it as a weapon if another number gets too close. Afterward, he opens up everyone's gifts, destroys all instruments and mp3 players,* and keeps the rest for himself.

That's why one lights the menorah. One's a jerk.

* One especially hates musical numbers.

And here's the bonus question from Kevin (via Facebook):
Who dislikes Yosemite Sam?

At first glance, this question may appear to have nothing to do with Judaism.* Well, prepare to be educated, my friend.

First, you need to know Yosemite Sam's origins. Leading into WWII, hatred for Jews was growing in America, too. And the biggest target was Uncle Sam. (Yes, Uncle Sam is Jewish... why do you think he always wears that hat? The horns, people. It always comes back to the horns.)

Back then, you could tell if someone was Jewish just by seeing if they looked when you said, "Yo, Semite!" So, Friz Freleng created Yo-semite Sam to be the embodiment of hatred and irrational thought, and set him against Bugs Bunny (also Jewish... they're behind the ears).

So, who dislikes Yosemite Sam? People in favor of freedom and equality, that's who. We dislike him not for who he is, but for what he represents. There are millions of us. Are you one?

I hope not. One's a jerk.

* Same with the second and third glances. Also, every subsequent glance.

And that brings the 2018 Jew & A to a close. Same time next year (give or take)?

Putting the Ish Back in Jewish

Just in time for whatever day of Hanukkah this is, it's my 9th Annual Jew & A!

In other words...
I will answer any question you have about Judaism.

That's right: Just post any questions you have about Jews or Judaism in the comments section before Hanukkah ends (i.e. sundown next Monday, 12/10), and I will answer them.

Maybe you're curious if your dislike for Yosemite Sam means you really hate all semites. Perhaps you need to settle an argument on whether apple jews or apple seder is the more delicious(ly horrible) pun. Or maybe something has been nagging you for weeks, and you wonder if it's actually, well, a Jew.

Whatever your query, send it along. Even if it's been asked before; much like its calendar, Judaism itself is constantly in flux.

So, what would you like to know?


The Original Primer and Past Jew & A's:

• Uncle Nate's Wholly Unsubstantiated Hanukkah Primer
• One Crazy Guy Explains Eight Crazy Nights
• Your Chosen Questions About the Chosen People
• Judaism's Deepest Secrets Revealed
• Jew & A IV: I've Run Out of Clever Titles
• What Jew Talkin' About
• You've Got a Latke to Learn
• Keeping Han in Hanukkah
• It's a Jew & A Miracle!

Magic Haiku Contest Winners!

Welcome back, ladies and gents. It's the most magical time of the year! (Andy Williams had it wrong.)

Anyway, you're probably wondering who won this year's haiku contest. Well, so am I.

Let's get to it.


Honorable Mentions

Scott, what's With all the Capitalized Words? Ooh, It's a Secret Code, isn't it? So your Assistant Knows tbicmrp is the One To pick? Nope, Not picking It.

Terrified Bunny
In his hidden Compartment
Makes Rabbit Pellets

Of all the entries, this one from my sister Naomi is actually the one I laughed at the hardest when I first read it. But is it magic? According to the judge, no. No kid has ever believed this is magic.

The guillotine blade
Was installed slightly askew.
Ha ha! Got your nose!

Betsy Rose's would make me sad, but luckily I now have a child and can laugh vicariously through him:

The child laughs with joy
At the magic everywhere.
Then becomes a man.

In my early 20s, I once picked up a deck of cards, split the deck, and correctly guessed the chosen card: the four of spades. Since then, I always pick the four of spades. Sorry, Sam Cook, you were so close:

Go pick a card, Nate.
Got it? It's the Three of Spades!
(So cool if this works)

I also liked that Sam brought web design humor. But alas, he only managed to make part of his haiku vanish, not the whole thing. He doesn't win the prize.

Abracadbra,
Make this haiku disappear!
<!--this line is hidden-->

First Place - Traditional

Except he does win the prize. Thanks a lot, Sam, for making me a liar.

My arm extended
Pointed toward that distant snack
I yearn for The Force

For those of you who might argue the Force is not magic, that it's just a hokey religion, I completely agree. Of course, I also believe magicians create only illusions, the appeal of baby's laughter is science, and Trix is not even close to magically delicious. It's not like I can disqualify everything on a technicality. Well, I can, since I'm the judge. But I won't.


First Place - Humorous/Creative

The other one goes to my sister:

“It’s LeviOHsa,
Not LeviohSA, you twit.”
“Shut up, HermiOHN.”

I don't know about the rest of you muggles, but for the first three books of the series, I was sure her name was pronounced HermiOHN. (Well, actually, HERmiohn.) But after the first movie came out I was forced to admit my mistake. I'm also making a mistake naming Naomi a winner, but at least I admit that from the start.


And that'll do it for this year's contest. Be sure to read all the magical entries. Thanks again to everyone who entered, shared, or ridiculed my contest. Until next time...

Leave 'em wantin' more.
That's what they say in show biz.
So I'll just

The Magical Haiku Contest

*** The contest is closed. View the winners. ***

Shazam! It's my 9th annual haiku contest!

We've previously manipulated ninja, pirates, robots, space, the ocean, heroes & villains, science, and the wild west. But this year's theme, which I just pulled out of thin air, is magic!

There's no trick to it:
Write a bunch of syllables
Seventeen of 'em.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and make it magical. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.

To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive a locked box containing your card! Amazing! $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)

In addition, I may also reward a third entry. Because I know that every little thing you write is magic.

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Monday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":

1. To enter, post magic-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, up to a maximum of five (5) entries. If you try to sneak extras past me, I'll catch you in the act, and you won't get any prestige.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you're off by a syllable you could turn me into a newt. I'll get better, but I hold a grudge. You won't win.
3. The contest is open until Monday, May 7, 2018 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If you make me wait for a spell, you're cast out of the contest.
4. Entries must be in English, though exceptions will be made for magical-sounding phrases (i.e. Latinglish). But anything else will be considered black magicks and that extra k is stupid so you lose.
5. Anonymous entries will not win. He who shall not be named never wins, not in the end.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if I'm feeling generous. Or the Sorting Hat decrees it.
   
   • First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive mention. Also honor.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless I'm tricked into it.

Fortune Favors the Cold (Sesame Noodles)

Whenever I eat Chinese food, I want a happy ending.

The beginning is guaranteed to be good, since I always have wonton soup. But the end is... unpredictable.

The cookie itself matters not. It's all about the fortune inside. But I don't want trite, pithy sayings. I want something memorable. Something like:

I got that one my senior year of college, and it started my collection. And though most of the fortunes I've come across over the years have been dull, soulless things, I've occasionally struck gold. Here's a sampling, haphazardly arranged into groups:

Um... What?

• Do what is right, not what you should.
• Now go to it! It's ready to be pick.

Double the Pleasure, Double the Fun

• We are very happy together.
• There is a true and sincere friendship between you both.

The Future Is Bright

• You will be advanced socially, without any special effort.
• You will be fortunate in everything

Nope, Not at All Creepy

• Someone will visit you soon.

Finally, Some Sage Advice

• Keep your goals away from the trolls.
• Teamwork makes the dream work.
• Eat your vegetable and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye.
• You can depend on the trust of the collective.
• Simplicity and clarity should be the theme in your dress.
• Make big plans.
• You are a perfectionist. Don't spoil it.
• When in doubt, mumble.

Now You Tell Me

• Warning: Do not eat your fortune

Time to Drop Some Knowledge

• You have a potential urge and the ability for accomplishment.
• It is a great piece of skill to know how to guide your luck. Even while waiting for it.
• The only rose without a thorn is friendship.

Okay, Stop Dropping the Knowledge. It Clearly Has a Head Injury.

• For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.
• If absolute can be defined, then absolute is not absolute anymore.
• Your sweetheart may be too beautiful for words but not for arguments.
• Many people who have power become a deaf mute.

Wow, This One's Actually True

• Your spouse's bills are yours and yours are yours.

These Are Also True... and Almost Clever. Almost.

• What is to give light must endure the burning.
• Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
• The man on the top of the mountain did not fall there.

But This One? It's the Truest of Them All

• Great! You're ready for a party.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back... Into Improv

Back in September, I said I was giving up on improv, and would use the time to work on my novel instead. Since then, I have indeed made some progress. Namely, I:

• finally completed the first draft;
• re-structured my epic list of planned revisions, organizing the edits by chapter, character, and general terms;
• created a spreadsheet mapping individual character arcs, and the emotions and motivations of each character on a chapter-by-chapter basis;
• selected a new opening for the first chapter (from among six) after much deliberation;¹
• found a resource to answer many research questions concerning detectives and security firms; and
• made this list.

So, have I started writing the second draft? Um...no, not officially.²

Although the holidays and the Winter Olympics have proved distracting, there has also been another impeding factor.³ You see, in November I took a musical improv class.

I know, I know. Yes, I said I was giving up on improv, but I never said I was giving up on musical improv. (For the uninitiated, that's a different thing entirely.) I figured I'd have a blast over the six weeks (I did), and then take a break until the next musical improv opportunity arose.

Long story short: It turns out musical improv is my gateway drug.

By mid-January, I'd signed up for a normal improv class⁴ and been recruited into a Marvel-based improv show.⁵ But this isn't like before; this time around I'll maintain the proper balance. I'll do improv (but not overdo it). I'll write on a regular schedule (but not too regular). And I'll eat lots and lots of ice cream.

Can't go wrong with ice cream.⁶


Nor can you go wrong with heroes, villains, and someone pretending to be Stan Lee. If you're in CT next Friday (March 2), come see Improvised Marvel!

ink by Kevin O'Toole, color by me
(click to embiggen)

5 Lists of 5 For No Reason in Particular

I hadn't posted in a while, so I thought I would. And why bother with a cohesive idea when I can just put together a bunch of lists? (Okay, so I guess I had reasons after all.)

[+] Show/Hide All

5 Things My 6-Year-Old Son Has Said Somewhat Recently

1. "He's a water jet. He can't go in the water."
   "Can't? If he can't go in water, shouldn't he be a non-water jet?"
   "Well, at the beginning there is a silent 'non'."
2. "I'm tired of sleeping."
3. "I was trying to speak to the chipmunk in bird language, since I don't know how to speak chipmunk."
4. "I fell in love with her the first day I met her... I'm trying to get to marry her, but she has a different teacher this year."
5. "When people love me, I just hug 'em."

5 Non-Traditional Ways to Defend Yourself Against Attack by Vampire

1. Stay inside your house all the time.
   And don't invite anyone in. I mean no one. Vampires can only come in if they're invited. Did your husband just bring out the trash? Chances are he's been turned. Lock him out.
2. Stay outside all the time.
   And keep heading east. Move with the sun. As long as that glorious ball of flame keeps shining overhead—and as long as you steer clear of the shade—you'll be safe.
3. Drink nothing but holy water.
   One taste, and your blood will burn that vamp from the inside out. A couple round battle scars on your neck are a small price to pay for victory. (Holy frijoles and/or guacamole are also fine ways to supplement your diet.)
4. An army of drone bodyguards just out of visual range. Armed with lasers.
   With lasers!
5. Clothing entirely covered with pointy wooden stakes.
   The latest in Milan fashion! And if that toothy character tries anything, just give him a great big hug.

5 Books I've Stopped Reading But Have Left Bookmarks In, and Why

1. The Yiddish Policemen's Union, Michael Chabon
   p. 236 of 411, 3 years ago
   I tend to slog through Chabon novels—I paused for 3 months 50 pages into Kavalier & Clay—but I still kind of want to know how it ends.
2. In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto, Michael Pollan
   p. 106 of 205, 2 years ago
   When we moved, this ended up back on the bookshelf. I only remembered today, while making this list.
3. Wonderbook: The Illustrated Guide to Creating Imaginative Fiction, Jeff Vandermeer
   p. 16 of 357, 1 year ago
   Opening chapters didn't keep my interest. Rather than read straight through, when I jump back in I'll skip around a bit.
4. The Master and Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov
   p. 232 of 402, 3 months ago
   Made it through book one, but apparently over-the-top Russian satire isn't really my thing. Maybe I'll go back to it?
5. The Nowhere Man, Gregg Hurwitz
   p. 84 of 358, 23 hours ago
   It was late, and I had work in the morning.

5 Ways Vampires Can Counteract Your Non-Traditional Defenses Against Them

1. Cut your power. Repeatedly.
   With your internet down and phone dead, eventually you won't be able to pay your landlord/mortgage/taxes, and soon you'll be out on your ass. Hey, good things come to those who wait.
2. Full-body prosthetics from top Hollywood makeup artists.
   They'll walk right up to you, with you none the wiser. They won't be on fire or nothin'. And then you'll be toast.
3. Two words: Food taster.
4. Three words: Trained attack bats.
   Possibly radio-controlled attack bats. Because, fun!
5. A Spider-Man style upside-down kiss. Of death.
   Alas, your dress made of stakes can't protect you against attacks from above. Try all you want, but you'll never quite touch that man's heart.

5 Reasons You Should Be Disappointed With This Post

1. I didn't include a single picture of my son with his curls and gap-toothed grin.
2. Two vampire-related lists, and no cracks about Twilight.
3. Not a single footnote. Not one.¹
4. There's no list of ways to counteract the vampires' counters. You're doomed.
5.  

¹ Nope. Sorry. Adding one after the fact doesn't count.

It's a Jew & A Miracle!

I thought I only had enough gumption to procrastinate one day on my answers, but it turns out I had enough for eight whole days. It’s a Jew & A miracle!

Interestingly, five of the six questions this year are from my own family. I guess I’ve been pretty successful answering all your questions over the years, if it’s just us Jews (and our relatives) questioning our own faith...

Alex J. Cavanaugh asks:
Has your Hanukkah candle ever caught anything on fire?

Absolutely. I wouldn’t be much of a Jew if it hadn’t.

Now, some of you might be confused about the reference to a single Hanukkah candle, when the menorah holds nine. That’s because this is a different candle entirely. You see, when a Jewish child first comes of age (i.e. can first safely hold a lit candle), they get one for their very own. It’s used to burn things.*

* After all, as has previously been established, we’re pyromaniacs.

My sister Naomi asks:
With Yiddish dying (having died?) out as a spoken language, what is going to happen to all of the delightful Yiddish-influenced expressions we enjoy today, such as, "What chutzpah!" and "Oy vey" and "What, you want I should come up with a title?"

First of all, that last expression isn’t Yiddish; it’s Old Jew. There is a difference.

Also, just because no one’s speaking Yiddish near you doesn’t mean it’s dead or dying. It’s just a flesh wound. Yiddish is alive and well in concentrated pockets throughout the world that are nowhere near you.

Nevertheless, when a spoken language dies out, its phrases aren’t lost. I mean, Latin is all over our money and our state flags. And though Egyptian hieroglyphics are no longer spoken, everyone knows the sayings “ankh reeds snake” and “bird water creepy eye bird.” You’re worrying over nothing.*

* Just like a good Jew. L’chaim!

My father Charles asks:
The boxes of Chanukah candles claim to have the correct number of candles for the holiday. Why do we always run out halfway through?

Why do you keep buying Chanukah candles, when what you’re celebrating is Hanukkah? There’s your problem.

Also, you might want to check your grandsons’ pockets.

My 7-year-old nephew Solomon asks:
Why gefilte fish?

I’ll admit this perplexed me for years as well, until I finally came across the answer. It turns out the reason Jews eat gefilte fish is... well, basically, we lost a bet.

It’s too bad, otherwise the goyim would be eating gefilte fish while we feasted upon Christmas ham.

My 4-year-old nephew Norman asks:
Why do guys light the ‘enorah?

Guys light the ‘enorah, girls light the wo’enorah. It’s the way it has always been. Tradition!

And lastly, my brother-in-law Josh asks:
Why are Jewish schools closed on Fridays?

To make you gentiles jealous, of course.

Three day weekends, beeyatch!

And that brings this year’s Jew & A to a close. Now that you have been suitably informed, go forth and share what you have learned. Preferably, in Yiddish. Or hieroglyphics.

Water tchotchke bird tuchis!

What, You Want I Should Come Up with a Title?

It's a random Tuesday in December, and you know what that means: It's time for my 8th Annual Jew & A! In other words...

I will answer any question you have about Judaism.

Post any questions you might have about Jews or Judaism in the comments section before Hanukkah ends (i.e. sundown on 12/20), and I will answer them for you.

Maybe you need help telling sufganiyot and Sufjan Stevens apart. Perhaps you're unsure about the authenticity of your King James Torah. Or maybe you want to know what Trump's embassy decision means for "next year in Jerusalem."

Whatever your query, send it my way. Even if it's been asked before, don't let that stop you — much like the Jewish calendar, the answers to such questions are in constant flux.

So, what do you want to know?


The Original Primer and Past Jew & A's:

• Uncle Nate's Wholly Unsubstantiated Hanukkah Primer
• One Crazy Guy Explains Eight Crazy Nights
• Your Chosen Questions About the Chosen People
• Judaism's Deepest Secrets Revealed
• Jew & A IV: I've Run Out of Clever Titles
• What Jew Talkin' About
• You've Got a Latke to Learn
• Keeping Han in Hanukkah

What Else I Was Doing When I Should Have Been Writing

Last month, I mentioned I'd been spending too much time doing improv, and had been neglecting my novel as a result. But of course, improv wasn't the only thing keeping me from my fiction.

Writing should be one of my top priorities whenever my son is asleep, watching TV, or not at home. But it would seem I'm too easily distracted. Here's a partial list of what I was doing instead:

• I was writing. Admittedly, the number of blog posts has been steadily declining (apart from a 31-day attempt at a kick-start last January), but it's still something.
   
• I read a lot. And watched a bunch of TV. Far too much TV.
   
• I was writing. I enter literary agent Janet Reid's flash fiction contests on occasion, and have garnered one win each of the last three years (and five in total).
   
• I fixed up a house, packed up a house, and moved to a new house. (And maintained the old house for far too long.)
   
• I was writing. Lyrics. To a parody mash-up of Hamilton's "Non-Stop" and Thomas the Tank Engine.
   
• I built 200 square feet of patio. I am so proud I did this myself (with some assistance from Denise and the boy), and so proud I'll never have to do it again.
   
• I was writing. Lyrics. And melody. For an original song which I envision being the opening to a musical (which may never get written, and still needs full orchestration).
   
• I built a shed — and the platform it goes on — with my dad. Compared to the patio, this was a cake walk. (But don't worry, no cake was trod upon.)
   
• I was writing. Personalized birthday and wedding cards. Recently, these have included a Choose-Your-Own Adventure, an escape room, an overabundance of anagrams, and an homage to the game Secret Hitler.
   
• I did the dishes. So many dishes.
   
• I was writing. Clues. For 3 crosswords which I created just to see if I could. There's a mid-week puzzle, a Sunday puzzle, and a cryptic crossword. I was aiming for NY Times quality, but as these were my first attempts I fell a bit short.
  
  • Download a PDF of all 3 puzzles
  • And if you need them, tips for solving cryptic crosswords

So yeah, that's what I've been doing. Which makes the solution pretty clear: Naomi, if you want me to finish my novel, you'd better come do our dishes.

The Exposition Excavation Expedition

It finally happened: I have completed the first draft of my novel.

Yes, the one with the invisible monkeys. And no, don't try to remember how long it took me.¹ The important thing is I finished it; I'd never completed a story over 2,500 words before. So yeah, this is kind of a big deal.

Which means, of course, that it's time for me to sit back, grab a drink, and celebrate! re-write the entire thing.

You heard me.

Okay, maybe it won't be a complete rewrite, but an extreme makeover is certainly in order. There are adverbs and adjectives to excise. Exposition to expunge. A whole stable of overused words (even still, only just that) to extract. So much tell (characters feeling and seeing) to exchange for show.

Not to mention all that's changed since I started this thing. My writing style, for one. My understanding of what makes for good writing, for another. Technology.² Politics. Hell, one of my characters switched genders 3/4 of the way through the book. Another never reappeared after chapter 7.³

As I wrote, I kept notes in a second document when new ideas surfaced, rather than make the edits right away. Today, that document is nearly 1/4 the length of the book. Sixty-five pages, single spaced. And that's not the worst of it.

Many of the notes are no longer valid. Dozens contradict each other. And I guarantee some will have me wondering what the hell I was talking about. Add in all the research I also have ahead of me—into the Secret Service, police procedure, weaponry—and this rewrite becomes quite the daunting prospect.

But then I think about you. Yes, you.⁴ Some of you have been waiting years to read about these monkeys. Others are itching for me to finish this damned thing so I'll get back to my next novel, with Captain Interrobang and the other not-so-super superheroes. I can't just sit idly by.

No, I need to sit actively by, and get to work.

It's time to start digging.


¹ Certainly don't remember that when I started, there was no such thing as an iPhone.
² See Footnote 1. I'll need to go Blackberry picking, and remove all such references.
³ No, I don't mean she remained invisible the rest of the way. Though I can see why you might think so.
⁴ Hi there.

Exit, Stage Left

I've been doing too much improv.

It began five and a half years ago, with a single class. Soon I was hitting the improv scene 2-3 times a week, occasionally for 10 hours straight. The only hobby I did more in that span is reading.¹ And not to toot my own horn,² but I'd gotten pretty good.³

Nevertheless, thanks to a mass tryout in May, I learned I'm not good enough to be in any of the local improv groups. (My words, not theirs.)

Which got me thinking. Well, first it got me fretting and stewing and plotting revenge. But then it got me thinking.

Without an outlet to perform for my friends and family, it would be selfish to continue to do so much improv. Not to mention, I've enjoyed it less since the rejection. Thus, I'm stepping away.

But fear not, dear readers! I'm not giving up! Okay, I kind of am, but not really. What you're witnessing here is a shift in priorities. You know all those hours I used to devote to improv? I'll be writing instead. Let me break it down for you:

Less improv = more writing
More writing = more blog posts and finished stories
More blog posts and finished stories = happier readers

Now, I'm no mathologist, but I believe that means less improv equals happier readers. And I'm all for that.

And instead of selfishly entertaining myself (via improv), I'll be selflessly entertaining my friends and family.⁴ That's a win in my book.⁵

Besides, it's not like I'm abandoning improv completely. I'll drop in to visit once in a while. And who knows, maybe someday I'll be welcomed into another group. But for now, alas, the love affair is over. I'm running back into the arms of my old mistress, the written word.

It's not you, improv. It's me.
No hard feelings. I wish you all the best.
And hey, I'll see you around.

¹ Procrastination doesn't count. It's not a hobby; it's a life choice.
² Because I don't own one.
³ At improv, that is. Also, at reading.
⁴ In that order.
⁵ Which I'm still in the process of writing. Give me a moment to breathe, people; I only switched priorities a couple paragraphs ago.

Wild West Haiku Contest: Winners!

I apologize for taking a week to announce the winners of this year's contest, but I was delayed by unexpected circumstances *cough cough laziness cough cough* and I'd better get to it quick since it sounds like I'm coming down with a cold.

First of all, let me say you guys outdid yourselves this year. Picking the winners was tough. A couple brief observations before I get to the winners:

• I didn't realize titles on haiku were a thing. As long as the title wasn't required to understand the poem (and thus, a way of sneaking in extra syllables), I allowed it.
• I knew movie references would be a thing. But I didn't expect they'd end up completely shut out of the prizes. A couple came close, but in the end, no pop culture references (be they movie or video game) made the cut.

As always, remember my judging is very subjective, but my word is law. Still, make sure to check out all the action-packed entries.

Anyway, let's get to it.

Mention (Not Honorable, Not Dishonorable... Just Mention)

After five stray shots (TomBstone my favorite among them), Scott's sixth rang true:

Apparently all
I know about the wild west
Is from the movies

Honorable Mentions

For me, this one was the most shocking. Not only did my dad (Charles Wilson) provide a serious entry, but it was actually good. He's come a long way from his early entries purposely insulting haiku. And gift cards. (2010, 2011, 2012)

Spaghetti Westerns
were my childhood food and drink
and still nourish me

From Bob Chase, I'm not sure if this one qualifies as humor or horror:

Sleeping on the ground
The fire goes out way too soon
Horse lips touch my lips

I don't know if Billy the Kid ever actually faced off in this style of showdown, but I love the imagery here from Keith A. Simmonds:

Showdown at high noon...
Billy the Kid walks slowly
set to flash his colts

Sam Cook provided this fine one-two combo of great visuals and subtle humor:

The doors swing open
Silence covers the saloon
Piano gets tuned

And Gillian Skow, I think, did the best job of capturing the voice of the wild west, so to speak:

Howdy gunslinger
We don't want no trouble here
Glassware is costly

First Place - Humorous

Sam takes home the Humorous prize for the second straight year with this one. It still makes me chuckle every time I read it. Killer stuff, Sam:

Stop calling me Kid
It's a little demeaning
I'm William the Man

First Place - Traditional

With Betsy Rose's entry, I'm having trouble putting into words why it speaks to me, but luckily I don't need to explain myself. All I need to do is say it wins. And it has.

The land of big sky
Now tamed by small minded men
The West: wild no more.

First Place - Creative

There were too many great haiku not to reward a third this year, and Larysa gave me the best twist on the Wild West theme. Or maybe I just like puns. Either way, she nets a prize.

Big film producer
Directing film called "The Sun."
It's set in the west.

And that brings this year's contest to close. Sam, Betsy, and Larysa, I think I have your email addresses, but just to be sure, please send me a note at theothernate@yahoo.com and I'll get you your winnings.

Thanks again to everyone who entered, shared, tweeted, ridiculed, or hacked my contest. Until next time...

As I do each year,
I will end with a haiku.
This is that haiku.

Wild West Haiku Contest!

*** The contest has ended. View the winners here. ***

Welcome to my 8th annual haiku contest!

We've previously explored ninja, pirates, robots, space, the ocean, heroes & villains, and science. But now it's time to go a different direction with Wild West haiku!

It's pretty simple:
Write seventeen syllables
And shoot 'em my way.

Simply follow standard haiku structure (5 syllables, then 7, then 5 again) and have it involve the wild west. However you interpret the theme is entirely up to you.

To enter, write your haiku in the comments section below. Two or three lucky winners will receive the entire Gadsden Purchase $25 Amazon gift cards.

I will be selecting the best haiku in each of two categories:

• Humorous/Creative
• Traditional (i.e. eloquent, evocative, etc.)

In addition, I may also reward a third entry if I see fit. So, go west, young men and women!

The deadline to submit a haiku is this Sunday, May 7 at 5:00pm (Eastern Time). Official "rules" are below.

Official "Rules":

1. To enter, post Wild-West-themed haiku in the comments section below. Multiple submissions are allowed, up to a maximum of six (6) entries. If you haven't hit your mark by then, you're out of luck. You won't be given the chance to reload.
2. Standard haiku rules apply. To qualify, each entry must be a three-line poem, the first line containing exactly 5 syllables, the second line 7 syllables, and the third line 5 syllables. If you miscount, you're nothin' but a goldurn cheat, and you won't see a dime.
3. The contest is open until Sunday, May 7, 2017 at 5:00pm, Eastern Time. If your entry arrives after the allotted time, you won't have a chance at a prize. That train will have left the station.
4. Entries must be in English. (i.e. Using Japanese kanji will not help you win for best traditional haiku.) If I can't grasp your meaning, it means you ain't from around here. And we don't take kindly to strangers in these parts. You won't win.
5. Anonymous entries will not win. If I don't know who you are, you're a stranger. See Rule 4.
6. Prizes will be awarded in each of two (2) categories: Humorous/Creative and Traditional. A third prize may be awarded if I'm feeling generous. Or if I'm hallucinating from exposure.
   
   • First place winners will each receive a $25 Amazon gift card.
   • An indeterminate number of Honorable Mentions will receive both mention and honor. Not necessarily in that order.
7. I will act as sole judge, and select the winning haiku based on the aforementioned criteria, as well as other criteria I make up as I go along. All decisions are final, and will not be changed under any circumstances. Unless circumstances change.
    
8. NEW RULE (as of May 1): "Wild" can sound like 1 or 2 syllables, depending on how you say it. Sure, the internet says it's 1, but the internet is full of lies. For this contest, "wild" is wild: depending on what you need for your haiku, it can be either 1 or 2 syllables.

SPOON!

To start the year off right, I procrastinated for over two months before writing my first blog post. (Yes, I consider this to be a good thing. After all, I have a black belt in procrastination.)¹

In the interim, however, I did write a 100-word story containing the words

pry - jet - blue - desert - gnaw

"He sprayed you?"

"With one of those new Jango Fett--sorry, new-fangled jet power washers. Called me impure."

"You should've reported him."

"I did. That's why he chopped down spry moose. My spruce. From my daughter's memorial garden. He said it defiled his yard."

"Wow."

"Prejudice brings out people's shoe trades. Er, true shades."

"Yet, if it's his house..."

"I know. And he had me wino saver. Sign a waiver. When I rented the place from the affluent buck. Dammit. Abluent f--"

"I get it. So, you're here to lodge another complaint?"

"What? No. Biz hottie's in try monk."

This brings my total wins on literary agent Janet Reid's blog to five. I do have an advantage, though: She happens to enjoy clever wordplay, which I've employed in four of my five victories.²

But enough about me. Go check out the other winning entry and all the other finalists, all of which are bucking frilliant.


¹ It's not an actual level you can attain, like in martial arts. All it means is sometimes I wear a black belt while procrastinating. Usually because I've chosen to wear black shoes that day. I may rock the socks-and-sandals look, but I'm not entirely devoid of fashion sense.
² Or three of them, if you don't consider the puns in my first win clever.

May the Answers Be With You

I got nine questions this year, which is fitting, since that’s exactly how many commandments Moses had on his tablets, more or less.

A couple questions were more about me than Judaism, which isn’t entirely kosher — their creation wasn’t overseen by a rabbi — but I’ll start with those:

Carolyn asks:
What’s your favorite part of being Jewish?

For me, the most fulfilling part is being able to act as a sort of unofficial Jewish ambassador, answering all these questions for you fine folk each year.

But if that answer feels like a cop out... I suppose the best traditional part of being Jewish would probably be all the money.

Alex J. Cavanaugh asks:
Do you ever feel left out at Christmastime?

No, I don’t. Of course, that may be because I married a Catholic.

So, did I feel left out before I met my wife? No, I didn’t. Of course, that may be because I started celebrating the traditional Jewish Christmas (movies and Chinese food) at age 13.

So, did I feel left out before the advent of our Jewish Christmas? No, I didn’t. Of course, that may be because my entire childhood was magical and nothing bad ever happened and fa la la la la I can’t hear you.

And now we’ll get to the seven questions about Judaism, which is a fitting total since it’s the exact number of nights in Hanukkah, give or take:

Sam Cook asks:
How do I know if my children are Jewish? I wouldn't want to be presumptuous and assume they aren't just because their parents aren't.

First, look for the horns.

No, but seriously. Look for them. Every Jew has horns. From an early age, we’ve learned to hide them, disguise them, but they’re there.

If you don’t see any horns, look for a tail.

Carolyn asks:
Is there a traditional Hannukah meal?

Yes. Yes there is.

The traditional Hannukah meal is made of finely minced potato. It’s not as popular as other traditional meals (e.g. corn, oat, happy), which is why it’s typically only available this time of year.

Gillian says:
[My daughter’s band director said] they couldn't play any traditional Jewish songs, because traditional Jewish music is played in keys that 7th grade band students haven't learned to play yet. Please explain, in terms that the non-Jewish and non-musical among us can comprehend.

Like your car or house keys, keys in music are also used to unlock things. The difference is in what they unlock: emotions. Moods.

In our history, Jews have become extremely familiar with suffering, heartache, and fear, often intertwined with seeds of hope. These feelings are ingrained in our genes (i.e. our JDNA), and thus woven into our music as well. Since most 7th graders have yet to experience such raw emotions, they cannot fully grasp the nuances of traditional Jewish music. Only later in life, once they’ve unlocked these emotions, will they be able to play with the proper mix of somberness and joy. While standing on a roof.

Denise’s Aunt Sharon asks:
So, which day of Hanukkah IS the most important???

The middle one.

Scott asks:
Why do we learn that the Menorah is lit at Hannukkah, when, traditionally, a Hannukiah is used for the holiday? In other words, what are you hiding!!??

We learn this because that’s what happens. We light the menorah at Hannukkah.

Think of it this way: Traditionally, the three Magi are pictured riding dromedaries. But we call them camels, because they’re a type of camel. It’s the same thing with hanukkiahs and menorahs (except the Magi don’t ride them).

So, to answer your question about what it is I’m hiding... it’s a horrible book, somewhere in your new house.

My sister Naomi asks:
How do Jews celebrate Christmas when it falls on the first day of Chanukah? Is the traditional movie and Chinese food sufficient? Or does the movie need to be Chanukah themed? Are there Sweet and Sour Latkes?

When Christmas falls on the first day of Chanukah, the traditional Jewish manner of celebration does indeed need to be tweaked:

• You must wear the socks and/or underwear you received the first night of Chanukah.
• To determine who gets the Chinese appetizers, play a game of dreidel.
• The movie(s) you see must already have been in the theater for 8 nights.

Oh, but I don’t get your last question. Latkes are always sweet and sour. That’s why they’re always served with apple sausage and sauerkraut.

And finally, John asks:
Why are there two spellings of 'Hannukah/Chanukkah?' Silly question, I know, but I've always wondered about it.

It’s not a silly question at all. I may have explained the correct spelling of Hanukkah in my primer years ago, and then later revised my answer, and re-revised it, but now all of those are woefully outdated. You’re right to seek a more timely answer.

The reason it can be spelled both ‘Hannukah/Chanukkah’ and ‘Hanukkah/Chanukah’ is because Jews have always been way ahead of the game on lax spelling. Long before verbage, supposably, and whatevs were added to the dictionary, we knew this was the route humanity was heading. So we made the spelling of our most well-known holiday flexible. That way goyim such as yourself can never get it wrong.

You’re welcome. Obvs.

Thank you all for your questions! I’m glad I could help keep so many of you so well informed! And as always, we’ll do this again next Hanukkah... which for all we know may be starting any minute now.